Figuring It Out

DAY FOUR - Healing

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2012?

My newfound faith I suppose. 

It’s just when things take a turn off of the path, you have to believe that something will correct it. That there is balance to life.

There are days when that’s all that gets me through, the belief that there has to be some good coming of the bad. That there is some plan to this world. Otherwise, I don’t think I could actually face the world.

So, my decision to embrace my beliefs and to allow those beliefs to carry me through. That is definitely something that has healed me this year.

For 2012, I’ll admit that I’d like to continue to be healed in this way, it’s really helped me to be a stronger, more resilient person. That’s not to say I’m completely protected, I still get hurt, but it’s easy to recover from those hurts.

DAY THREE - Ambitions

What are your ambitions? What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to/detracts from your ambitions? Can you eliminate it?

I’ll be the first to admit I’ve struggled to define who I am, and what I want to do in life. And lately I’ve been thinking about doing a Ph.D program and continuing my studies. But I still haven’t dealt with my desire to experience life outside of home, outside of the Southwest, outside of the United States. I think that holds me back from feeling any sort of accomplishment.

So I’m going to feed that particular ambition. I’m going to plan to see at least two other countries next year. Hopefully after I see a few of these places I can focus on the big one of living on the Navajo Nation. Because that’s what I want out of life. A home with cats, dogs, and a horse. Somewhere where there’s an unobscured view of the stars and wide open land without too many fences and roads.

That’s my life’s ambition, and I think about that everyday.

But I also think to be totally content with that, I have to see the world and know that the place I settle is the place I love best in the world. I actually have no doubt that it will be in the Southwest, but I still want to see the rest. I’m a tactile person, I like to touch and see and feel things first hand.

What detracts me is lack of belief in myself a lot of times. Before I came to Tempe I didn’t think I could deal with moving to a new place, to deal with making new friends. I didn’t think that I could go out and do a lot of the thing I’ve done. And it’s been enlightening and empowering. I feel ready to go out and experience other places. I know that I am who I am and I am grounded here, but I’m also free to go out and experience whatever I want. It’s a wonderful feeling to have.

DAY TWO - Let go

What, or whom, did you let go of this year? Why?

The Idea of It Being All my Fault

For several years I thought it was entirely my fault that things fell apart and I blamed myself and avoided relationships because I thought that I would do the same thing and nothing would ever last because I was crazy and couldn’t work things out.

But things have fallen into place that I now know that it wasn’t entirely my fault. I’m not completely crazy. I am capable of so much more than I previously believed possible.

And by hanging onto all that insecurity about my ability to be in a relationship, I’d doomed myself. But now, it’s just like a door has been opened and I can see myself with someone finally. It’s a relief and it’s almost rewarding to meeting people and have them say the things they say. It’s nice to meet new people and not have my dark cloud of worry above me.

I think a lot of what I did this year had a lot to do with my aunt passing and being able to take these giant leaps in my own life has been intensely rewarding. The idea of mortality and the almost injustice of life has been put before me and it’s just so much clearer that I need to do more for me because no one else is going to be doing that when it all boils down.

DAY ONE - One word.

Encapsulate 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re using that word.

Trying

2011 has been by far the most trying years of my life. I worked for the first few months of the year in a job that I didn’t enjoy but took because I had no idea what I was doing with my life at that point. My aunt was also diagnosed as terminal days before xmas 2010, so she was in and out of the hospital and I liked being able to be near her. 

Cancer. That’s been a big part of why 2011 has been so trying for me. First with my aunt for the first three months then with my uncle on my mother’s side from May onward. And now the news that despite the removal of a majority of his liver the cancer has re-grown with the liver and is too aggressive to defeat.

I came to Tempe with an open mind about the grad program I’d been accepted to, and now still wondering if it was a good idea. The core course has not been what I’d envisioned at all. It’s a new program and it’s their first time teaching it this way but it still feels like a mess to me. There’s the promise of wait and it’ll come together, but I’m halfway through the program and I’m thinking it shouldn’t feel like we’re still putting pieces together. So there have been things trying my good natured soul academically.

Personally? The family has been struggling with the loss of my aunt and it’s been impacting so many different parts of life I couldn’t even imagine before. And there were some days where I just felt so lost without her and it’s just been really difficult.

Romantically… Things picked up here at the end of the year. I met several nice guys but none of them have felt quite right. I’m moving to DC for the spring and I’m not sure if I’ll be coming back to Tempe so a relationship doesn’t seem like a good thing to be getting into. It’s been different to go out with a person and just be casually dating instead of jumping into a relationship. But wondering if I’m doing the right thing has been trying.

2011 has been an intense year for many reasons, but that’s not to say there weren’t good points. But it’s still been incredibly stressful for the most part.